The POTO Parodies
by Ella O'hara
Summary: just a parody of the movie. It's full of stuff that i wrote attempting humor. I encourage all reviews, even flames. Yay!
1. uno

Ooh, I really, really, really hope somebody out there gets a kick out of this. If not, spork and flame away. This is a good fifteen minutes wasted. :-)

The POTO Parodies 

**In 1917, where all is gray and depressing, like the people.**

_The story begins in front of a dilapidated opera house. People are running all over with the worst kind of junk you can find, like that ostentatious painting of Carlotta. A really ugly car pulls up and sputters to a stop. Some nurse wearing a glider on her head opens the door and pulls out a wheelchair. In the car sits a Raoul who looks ready to fall apart by the seams. A sign says " public auction today" in English. Wait a minute. Aren't they French? Oh well. _

_Inside, porky pig is banging a gavel and calling to order the auction._

Fat Auctioneer: Yes, then. Let the bidding begin. First of all, we have a few human skulls for you collectors out there. They would look stunning in the dining room. Make all your guests green with envy.

Ancient Raoul: shaking like a hairless dog in an ice storm.

Fat auctioneer: Let the bidding commence at, say, five sous. Anyone?

Michael Jackson in back: Ooh, me! I want those beauties! Say, do you have any shinbones?

Fat auctioneer: Guards, please get kind sir, erm, madame out of my sight. He's scaring the old people.

Guards drag Jackson away

Jackson: say giggles don't put your hand _there!_

Fat auctioneer: Good riddance. Now, lot 665, a creepy monkey doll. It was supposedly found in the cellars of the opera, but I think those cheapskates just got it off Ebay. Say, fifteen francs?

Ancient Meg: raises a shaking hand

Fat Auctioneer: Thank you.

Raoul's nun raises her hand

Fat Auctioneer: Yes, thirty francs? Madame Giry.

Ancient Meg does a double take as she sees Raoul, then pulls out a cigar and jams it in her mouth, shaking her head.

Fat Auctioneer: Alright, then, sold! To the Methuselah guy next to the hang glider lady. Here's your prize.

Raoul takes monkey and shudders

Raoul: Geez, no wonder Christine died so young. A look at this thing alone would take ten years off anybody's life.

Fat Auctioneer: Now, lot 666, a broken chandelier. I personally think it's a piece of crap, but hey, you are all old and burn money for warmth. Let's light it up, just for the hell of it.

_The chandelier lights up and everything begins to change. All the gray is gone and replaced by garish color. All the cobwebs evaporate along with everybody's wrinkles._

Raoul: looks at now hot face in mirror and flips his hair Sweeeeeeeeeeet. I'm a boy band wannabe again!

If you liked it, please review and I will write more! If you hated it, don't review and go find something more constructive to do with your life! Thank you for your time :-).


	2. dos

**1870, where all is garish and nearly nude**

**Hannibal Rehearsals **

Carlotta: sings Blahhhhablahhha BLAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Everybody plugs their ears, including the stupid poodles. A mirror breaks

Conductor: Ah, yes, that was beautiful. Now go take a break before you kill someone. We have company!

Firmin and Andre enter. A chorus girl drapes chains around Andre's neck

Andre: Thank you all. I especially love opera as one of the, ahem fingers chains, fine arts.

Old Manager: These two have made a vast fortune among the crap business, no?

Firmin And Andre in unison: Junk, I mean, scrap metal, if you please.

All: Whatever. Junk is junk.

Carlotta: Velcome, ewe new meat! Did ewe laik mah singing?

Both shuffle toes and look down.

Carlotta: Ooh assed ewe anyhoo? Just bekaze I'm so high strung, I vill not be singing! Toodles.

Conductor swoons. Andre and Firmin automatically start kissing Carlotta's ass

Madame Giry: Oh, good idea has I. Christine Daae could zing eet, no?

All: thinking where the hell did she come from?

Conductor: 'K. Go on, kid. Wow me.

Christine sings her unnaturally pretty song. Mirror repairs itself

All: Dude…

Christine: thinks wow. Those lights are very SHINY!

The set changes from rehearsals to the gala, somehow. No wasting any time with Mr. Shumanner, is there?

Christine finishes her song. Everybody claps. Blahddy Blahddy Blah.

**After the Gala, with people just standing collecting dust behind the scenes.**

Meg is still wandering around in her tutu, looking for Christine. Goes down to the church with the creepy pictures

Meg: Christine? Where are you? Mom wanted me to bring you some chicken wings.

Sees Christine praying, drops chicken wings

Meg: Oh, you were great tonight? Tell me, how did you go from sucky to sensational? Thinks I have been watching too much daytime TV. Listen to me and my catchy phrases!

Christine: Meg, I told you before. My dad died and he came back as an angel of music and he is teaching me! What, are you stupid or something?

Meg: looks very carefully at Christine and smells her breath Right….

Leads her away

Meg: thinks Geez, what has she been smoking?


	3. whatever comes after dos

I'm so glad people like mah work. Personally, I find my humor to be stupid, but hey, that's just my issue. Enjoy. Wait, an explanation is necessary. The phantom was not in the last chapter because he was busy poking sleeping drunks with a stick. I just had to say that! Note- I do not own Dashboard Confessional's song "Vindicated". That's there for you drips to love to obsess over that stuff. Oh, btw, the stage commands are written in italics and the dialouge is normal.

**In Christine's dressing room post gala. You know the story.**

_

* * *

Raoul come into Christne's dressing room with his Mardi Gras float of flowers _

Raoul: Little Lotte let her mind wander. Little Lotte thought, am I fonder of dolls or shoes or other sorts of stupid crap?

Christine: Raoul… Those picnics in the attic?

Raoul: Feeding each other chocolates as I read to you and looked up your skirt?

Christine: What?

Raoul: Nothing. Erm, how are you? You sure sang pretty tonight.

Christine: I'm fine. I missed you. Oh, by the way, the angel of music visited me!

Raoul: ooooooooooooookay… While you sober up, I'll get my carriage and we'll go to supper and I'll look up your skirt more!

Christine: What?

Raoul: Nothing… just be ready, babe _slams door_

Christine: Geez, what a tool.

**All the lights go out. Very Psychoey**

Christine: Hmm, I wonder if this lace rag from Victoria's Secret is fine enough to wear to a music lesson with my father…

Phantom: God, Daddy issues abound!

Christine: Who said that? Was it you, father?

Phantom: … Sure, why not?

_Mirror opens. Creepy smoke pours out_

Christine: Ooh, shiny!

_Phantom steps out. Puts out his cigarette on a tapestry_

Christine: Is it really you?

Phantom: Tcha. C'mon, let's get a move on.

Christine: Huh, am I really to go through a hole in the wall with a guy Leroux said wastwice my age? Sure, why not?

_Phantom lead Christine through that weird hallway_

Christine: Wow, those arm thingies sure are strange.

Phantom: Yeah, but what can I say? I'm a fiend for Pier 1.

_They come to the cute little boat_

Phantom: Hey, I like your, ahem, dress

Christine: I'm sure you do. Hey, I have a question. Are all angels hot thirty year olds?

Phantom: Uh, um, sure, let's go with that.

Christine: And do they all have bubble gum on their shoes and wear obscene amounts of AXE and hair gel?

Phantom: Most of us _checks shoe_. The frat parties are a riot. Y'know, you ask too many questions. _Smells clothes, feels_ _hair_

_They come to his little burrow, erm, house_

Christine: whoa. So what kind of rent do you pay for a dump like this?

Phantom: Ok, that tears it. _Begins singing his bore-me-to-tears song_

_Christine falls asleep, snoring like a lumberjack_

_Phantom picks her up and puts her in that hideous swan bed_

Phantom: This shouldn't seem to alien to her, waking up in a strange man's bed. Oh well, nothing to do now but go poke sleeping drunks picks up stick

**Christine wakes up hours later**

Christine: Wow, I like this bed! And where did that revolting little monkey box come from?

_She walks out into the main chamber_

Phantom: sings Vindicated! I am selfish, I am wrong! I am right, I swear I'm right, swear I knew it all along! And I am-

_Turns off Ipod_

Phantom: Mornin'. Want some coffee? I had to go miles to Starbucks to get you a decent cup!

Christine: No thanks. I like hot cocoa better. Hey, mind if I touch your face?

Phantom: …Sure, why not? Knock yourself out.

_Christine is like petting his face. I find that scary_

Phantom: That feels good ._foot starts thumping_

Christine: Oh, like you never saw_ this_ coming _Pulls off his mask_

_Phantom throws a bitch fit_

Christine: Wow, remind me at Christmas to buy an extra gift for that bug up you ass. Touchy, touchy!

Phantom: Sorry. Now, we must return! Those two fools who run my theater will be missing them!

Christine: Don't you mean me?

Phantom: No, I said them…

Wow, that just had to be the dumbest thing that I have ever written!


	4. Four i give up with the spanish thing

Wow, I'm so sick of writing these little notes. And by the way, my whiny readers, I revoke my previous statement that "The Music of the Night" was bore-me-to-tears boring. It was the seventeen ice cream sandwiches talking. Forget about it! Geez. Excuse me while I go find more ice cream sandwiches.:)

**In the main hallway with the statues my cousin likes so much**

Firmin: Oh, God, what is wrong with this place? First it's Carlotta, now it's Christine. They're evaporating like Hilary Duff's fan clubs!

Phantom from behind: Maybe they think their new managers are a bunch of morons...

Firmin: Yes, that's probably it…

Andre: Damn it all, Firmin, stop talking to yourself and help me sort out this rut! We have no cast, there is a phantom bitching for money, and all the doughnuts are gone!

Firmin: Oh, God, why bother?** _Picks up pistol_**

Andre: Don't you dare! Hey! You got a note too! **_Plucks note out of Firmin's back pocket_**

Firmin: Mine is just a note telling me to fork over the dough

Andre: Mine tells me to stop kissing Carlotta's ass and just put her to work serving refreshments

Raoul: Hey, anybody seen Christine? I've been waiting in my carriage for two days now!

Firmin: No, we haven't seen her. What am I, her zookeeper?

Raoul: Wow, and we brag of French nobility and politeness. Where did this letter come from? I found it in my cereal box.

Andre takes note 

Andre: **_reads note_** Raoul: You keep your filthy mitts off Christine! Besides, there is somebody more suited to your tastes. His name is Prince Charming. You two have the same brand of lipstick and are both Sagittarius. It was a match made in hell. TTFN.

Raoul: Charming fellow, isn't he?

Firmin: Y'know, I met that Prince Charming guy. He's really c-

Carlotta: HOO DAHS GO AHND SEND ME DIS LEHTER!

Firmin **_pops two aspirin _**oh good, you're back!

Carlotta: DONCHU TRY TAH BUTTER ME AHP. SAMBADDY SEND ME DIS LEHTER. TIS INSAHLTING! I SINKS ZE VICOMTE SEND IT!

**_Firmin pops two more aspirin_**

Raoul: I didn't send you squat! What does it say? **_Snatches letter_**

Raoul: **_reads_** Dear Carlotta: You suck! I've heard prettier serenades from the back end of a dying cow!**_ Giggles_** if you try to take Christine's place, I'll take that precious doggie of yours and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! I remain your obedient servant, O.G.

Andre: Give me some aspirin, Firmin.

Firmin: Find your own. Something tells me I'm going to need them.

Phantom from behind: I stole your aspirin…cough up and I'll give it back.

Firmin: You keep it. I'm just trying to figure out who's behind this

Phantom from behind: You guys have to be incredibly stupid not to figure this out. I'm behind you, dumbass!

Andre: Stop talking to yourself Firmin. It's creepy.

Firmin: It must be the aspirin talking… My conscience keeps bugging me

Phantom: I give up **_goes away_**

Madame Giry: Miss Daae has returned. Thought you might want to know.

Raoul: Can I see her?

Meg: No. She has given us specific orders not to let anybody of an extremely foppish nature see her.

Raoul sits down and starts sucking his thumb 

Firmin: Far too many notes for my taste. Let's make a plot twist and disobey the opera ghost!

All: Huzzah! This scene would be pointless if we didn't!

Will Firmin reclaim his aspirin? Where is that poodle going to end up? Who ate all those doughnuts? Is this the end of mah writing that makes sense? Tune in later, kiddies, and find out!


	5. five

Oh, no… it seems I've been accused of plagiarism. I assure you, I had no intention of doing so. It's not like the FCC should tackle me for borrowing a few lines though…

Behind the scenes, where everybody is sucking up to Carlotta 

The managers and the ladies with the freaky hairdos start kowtowing to the spoiled Spanish bitch

Carlotta: AH AVE BEEN SOH ABYOOSED! AH MEAN, STAHP GIVING MEH AHLL DES GEEFTS! AHLL AH RELLY WAHNT IS WORLD DAHMINATION!

Firmin: Yeah, we'd give it to you if we had it, but here we are…

Andre: Have another revolting doggie in the meantime! **_Gives her revolting doggie_**

Carlotta: AH MAH GAWD! EES SOH COOTE. HUHSHA BOO BOO DAHGEH!

Phantom from behind: I pity you… here, take your aspirin. With this awful Delilah hanging around, I feel almost terrible not giving it back sooner.

Firmin: Thank you, conscience. My head is about to implode from her indecipherable ravings

Carlotta: OOS AH PRETTEH DAHGEH? OO IS! WEEEEEEEEE!

Firmin: See what I mean?

Phantom from behind: Yep. Say, why don't you give her part to Christine? It would make more sense, dumbass.

Firmin: I know. But, where's the plot twist? We're doing this solely to make that Phantom guy pissed off.

Phantom: This bit's dying. I'm outta here **_leaves_**

Andre: on with the show! Wait, Carlotta, you have birds nesting in your wig.

Carlotta: AH, BOIDS! GETTUM OFFA MEH!

Birds fly away 

Madame Giry: Y'know, this is going to make the phantom mad. But why am I telling you this again? You two chowderheads never listen.

Andre: Chowderheads? How funny. We is both smart guys

Firmin: Me too!

Madame Giry: Suit yourself.

**At the gala, during the performance of… whatever that is.**

Carlotta: ugh, sings SERAFINO MAKES MEH LAFF, AH HAHAHAHA!

_**Christine, opposite of drag queen steps onto the stage**_

_**Performance continues**_

Phantom: Did I not instruct that Miss Daae is to be playing the lead. What's your beef?

Meg: He's here, the Phantom of the Opera!

Christine: Gee, nothing gets past you, Meg, huh?

Carlotta: YAHR PAHRT IZ SIHLENT, LIHTULL TOAD!

Phantom: Au Contraire, Mademoiselle, perhaps it is you who is going to make an utter ass of herself.

Carlotta: FAT CHANCE! AH AVE A BEAUTIFULL AAAAUHGGGGGGHHH!

Audience: gasp!

Carlotta: AHDHDHFGGGGGUHGGGGGG! AUUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHH! GUGGLE!

People: Get off the stage! You're sucking up the performance!

Andre and Firmin: Please remain calm everybody! The performance will continue in ten minutes time when Miss Daae will be playing countess!

Audience: Yay! Culture!

Andre and Firmin: See, everything is under control. Here's the ballet!

Little ballet people come out and start dancing 

Sheep: Bah!

_**Little ballet people trip on sheep**_

Andre: See? Everything is going smoothly!

Buquet falls to the stage dead 

_**Everybody screams**_

_**Firmin slaps Andre**_

Firmin: You just had to say** "smoothly", **didn't you?

Guy in audience: wow, this opera reallysucks.


	6. six pick up sticks

I love you guys! I seriously find my humor to be deeply disturbed and diseased, but hey, once more, that's my issue. Relish the next chapter!

**On the roof, which I don't understand one bit**

Raoul: What gives? I loved the show!

Christine: Shut your face, Raoul. You'll be killed if you go back there.

**_Raoul begins to primp hair_**

Christine: Cut that out. Besides, I have something to tell you!

Phantom: Hurry up… I'm freezing my ass off out here!

Christine: Who said that?

Phantom: Nobody. It was your obscenely overactive imagination.

Christine: 'K. Oh, Raoul, I love you!

**_Both men spit out their drinks_**

Phantom: Hey, you made me lose my Manhattan! What! You bitch!

Raoul: Hey, You made me lose my mojito! What, You love me?

Christine: Yep. Surprised?

Raoul: Not really… who could resist my devilish good looks?

Phantom: Please, shoot me!_ **Gags**_

Christine: I'll ignore that, now, kiss me, you beast!

_**They kiss. Phantom groans. Audience spews. JK.**_

Phantom: Damn it, now I'll have to get this god-forsaken tattoo removed! Grrr, this calls for revenge!

**_Picks up nearby little snail. Throws little snail at Raoul. Snail sticks to fop's face_**

Raoul: Eeeeeeeekkkk! There's a snail on my face! Geddit off! Geddit off! Geddit off!

**_Christine flicks it away_**

Christine: Even though you're a major wuss, I still love you! Come on, let me clean that snail slime off for you! Purrrrr!

Raoul: Reowr. I'm game!

**_They leave saying mushy nothings. Christine drops the rose on her way to the door like a moron _**

**_Phantom picks up rose and crushes it_**

Phantom: This pisses me off. That snail was good for starters, but I must do something bigger, like steal his car or something! Mwahahahahahahahaha!

**_Looks around stupidly_**

Phantom: Crap. What good's an oath of eternal vengeance when there's nobody there to hear it?

**_Shuffles away_**

Wow, I see my career as a writer flourishing before my very eyes, not.


	7. 7

At the masquerade ball, such fun 

Firmin and Andre come in leading their poodle-esque dates. Carlotta and Piangi swagger close behind

_**Everybody starts singing and dancing randomly**_

All: Masquerade!

When do we get paid?

Masquerade!

These costumes itch like hell!

Christine: 'K. this is pretty cool, this secret engagement thing. I love you, but I won't kiss you, hug you, hold hands with you, overall touch you, or come within a ten-foot radius of you.

Raoul: Fair enough. Let's go spike the punch.

Dance continues. Authoress gets dizzy from watching 

Firmin: great party, Andre. But I wonder why anybody hasn't spiked the pre-spiked punch yet?

Meg falls over laughing like a hyena.

Firmin: There you go!

Everybody starts running for the stage. Christine and Raoul kiss 

Christine: Maybe I violated my principles, but that was one helluva smooch!

Raoul: Yep. You're even better than Meg!

Christine: Excuze moi?

Raoul: Didn't say a thing. Oh look, culture on the stairs!

All on stairs: Masquerade!

Someone hit me with a spade!

Masquerade!

This number is driving me batty!

Phantom: Enough dramatic tension! Here I come!

Everybody: Whoa. A dude in red. Why isn't he wearing black or gold?

Phantom: Shut your ponyholes, you peanut gallery. I've got a boatload to say!

Firmin: Hold me, Andre! Handsome young men in masks scare the bejesus out of me!

Phantom: Yep, I'm back, and nobody seems to be jumping for joy. I brought you a copy of my opera! It took me forever to write, because Kinko's was friggin' closed!

Firmin looks down 

Firmin: Dude, it's called a jockstr-"

Phantom: SILENCE! I'm not finished. Carlotta, get that cork out of your butt and stick it in a wine bottle! Piangi, whoever the hell you are, observe Atkins. Firmin and Andre, go hump the legs of the obscenely wealthy somewhere else.

Andre: I'm sensing some bad vibes. He says it like it's a bad thing.

Phantom: Shut it, you limp noodle.

Christine's is just staring dumbly. Raoul runs to the can at the most inappropriate time possible.

Phantom: I'm sure _she'll_ do well. After all, I am her teacher.

All: Gasp!

Christine walks up to phantom.

Phantom: 'Sup? What, did you lose your fop in the wash?

Christine: No, he's in the john.

Phantom:**_ Yanks off her necklace _**that's not the point! You cheating little-

Everybody stares 

Phantom: Guess I'm too weird for the room. Later**_ vanishes in a big fake, fiery kaboom_**

Raoul ambles back in cinching his belt 

Raoul: What'd I miss?


	8. ocho

P.T.O

I skipped Mme Giry's tale because, well, I don't joke about things like that.

**In the dorms Christine randomly gets up and heads to the stables**

_**Stares at the dozing Raoul**_

Christine: Such nobility. I've seen more bravery on billboards for sleeping pills.

**Gives Raoul a wet willy**

Christine: Hey stable dude! Gimmie a pair of horses and make it snappy! Chop chop!

Stable dude: Whatever. Do you always prance around in your underwear?

Christine: None of your damn business. Now, do I have to get those stupid horses myself?

Stable dude: No, I got it

_**Christine ambles away.**_

Stable dude: Bitch.

**Phantom knocks out stable dude. Raoul wakes up**

Raoul: Oh my God, Christine is gone! This is partly my fault!

Pigeon: Dumbass, it's _all_ your fault!

Raoul: Whatever. I'm not going to waste time talking to reptiles!

Phantom: My God, you gotta be deaf not to hear that ten feet away when the fop hears it almost a quarter of a mile away. Coo coo!

Christine: To my father's grave please, and step on it!

Phantom in disguise: You got it, babe! Giddy up there, Snowball!

**_They clatter away_**

_**Raoul comes charging into the stable, scratching his butt**_

Raoul: What'd I miss?

Stable dude: I dunno. Your chick just rode away with some guy in a mask.

Raoul: Well, this doesn't take a genius to figure out.

_**Goes to Starbucks**_

Starbucks geek: Hey, chap, your girl ain't here. Get lost!

Raoul: Damn. Guess I'd better try the graveyard.**_ Rides away_**

**Meanwhile, back in the world of smart people:**

Phantom in disguise: So, seen any good movies lately?

Christine: Nah. I find today's media to be bloated and shallow

Phantom in disguise: My lord, are you always on?

_**They get to the graveyard. Christine hops out**_

Phantom: Enjoy. I don't give a rip how you get home.

**_Drives away Christine goes to her father's grave_**

Christine: How I miss ya, pop!

Phantom from above: I miss you too. Nice dress. Now, will you walk into the mausoleum and come sit on my lap like a good girl?

Christine: sure, why not? I'm just dumb enough to fall for this bitone more time!

**_Doors open_**

Phantom: Get the lead off. I can't stand here singing forever!

_**Raoul rides up**_

Raoul: Christine, I hate to break it to ya, but this guy isn't your daddy.

_**Phantom jumps down from the roof**_

Phantom: Okay, let's go, beeyotch! I've had just about enough of your foppishness!

Raoul: Bring it on, grandma!

_**They start sword fighting**_

Christine: Wow, didn't see that coming.

_**Raoul starts shrieking and trying to scratch phantom**_

Phantom: What are we, in third grade? This is no place for catfights!

Christine: **_sighs_** can we hurry this along? I promised Meg I would help her sort out her pigeon-toedness!

Both guys: Sure, alright. Works for me.

_**Phantom flops on his back**_

_**Raoul raises his sword over his head, preparing to stab phantom**_

Christine: No, Raoul! It would be a plot dead end!

Both guys: A plot dead end? Perish the thought!

_**Raoul tries to get on horse but falls off the other side. Does this about ten times. Christine and phantom are snickering**_

Raoul: A little help here!

Phantom: Whatever **_gives fop a boost_**

_**Christine jumps on horse**_

Raoul: Thanks, bub. Now, go to hell!

**_They ride away_**

Phantom: Whoever marries the fop is in for a very entertaining wedding night. I swear eternal vengeance on the pair of you!

_**Looks around stupidly**_

Phantom: I've _gotta_ stop doing that!

_**Shuffles away again**_


	9. nueve

**Somewhere random behind the scenes**

Raoul: Say, guys, I've got an idea. The guy you think is the phantom is just a regular dude!

Firmin: I'm not following…

Raoul: We should, like, set a trap of some sort. Dig a pit in the middle of the floor and cover it with leaves.

Andre: I'm not following…

Raoul: Or we could just have Christine sing in his opera. He's sure to come watch.

Firmin: I'm not following…

Raoul: We basically catch him like a fruit fly in a cookout potato salad. Does anybody notice that I seemed to have gained like fifty I.Q. points since that asswipe stabbed me?

Andre: No. This plan sucks. Suppose he doesn't come?

Raoul: Then that's your problem!

Firmin: Whatever. The fop here's due for a big screw up anyway.

Raoul: Cool. Excuse me while I go flat iron my hair.

**In the creepy chapel**

_**Raoul ambles in**_

Raoul: Whassamatter? Do you just sit in this creepy chapel for kicks?

Christine: Nope. I'm just weirded out by your dumb plan. I'll bet anything phantom kidnaps me!

Raoul: I'll bet you fifty francs and my curling iron that you walk off that stage safely.

Christine: You're on, bozo.

Raoul: **_thinks_** she's so great. Mummy said I would end up tending ferns for love.

**_Raoul tries to hug Christine_**

Christine: Buzz off, creep. I've got enough pests to deal with as is

Phantom in hiding: Ooh, shot down!

Raoul:**_ thinks_** yep, only if mummy could see me now!

**_Ambles away_**

**In Phantom's lair**

**_He's waiting in his whitey-tightys for the washing machine to stop_**

Phantom: Damn Maytag! I'm going to miss the show because I bought one of their junked up washers!

**_Waits longer_**

**_Phantom kicks washer_**

Washer: Ding!

**_Phantom pulls out a pink shirt, pink undies, and pink slacks._**

Phantom: What the hell? This was a white load.

**_Pulls out a red sock_**

Phantom: Ha ha ha. My ghostly sides are splitting! The world is a funny place, but only if you like sick humor.

_**Puts on pink clothes**_

Phantom: This will be a memorable night, if I can make it to the stage without getting beaten up. On with the show!


	10. Diaz, i think

**Dun dun dun! Don Juan Triumphant!**

Orchestra dude: Get on the stage, you slobs!

**_Ugly people dance onstage_**

Audience: How disgraceful. There isn't even a cliché love story or garish costumes. What has become of this already lax art?

_**Christine totters onstage. Falls into the orchestra pit**_

Orchestra dude: Stand up straight, you ditz!

_**Christine ditzes to the middle of the stage**_

Christine: Lalalalalalalalalalala**_ trips _**

Piangi: I vas goh to ze glory hole. Vill be bahk ven ah feel laik it!

**_Waddles off Phantom strangles Piangi_**

Phantom: I don't know you; I just know that I hate you.

Audience in 2004: Yeah. Get bent, dude!

Phantom sneaks onstage 

Passarino: Master? We are not worthy!

Phantom: Go find your grandma. I want to do this alone!

**Christine is just like staring at the audience like an ADD watching squirrels cross a road**

Phantom: sings

You have come here

In pursuit of your deepest, most sublime, kinkiest **drools **itch

In pursuit of that wish that should stay silent

Christine: Mother f-

Phantom: I'm not done! **Sings**

Past the point of no return

No backward peeks now

What warm, unspoken secrets **titters **will we learn?

Beyond the point of no return.

**Raoul is reading a YM magazine**

Raoul: So, according to this quiz, I'm a pretty pink or a giggly green. Yippee!

Christine: I- damn it Raoul- have come here- that's him- hardly knowing the- the phantom- reason why- picking his nose!

**Phantom looks around, embarrassed. Takes finger out of nose.**

Christine**: sings** in my mind I've already imagined our bodies** giggle** entwining, defenseless and silent.

Phantom: Ooh, dirty girl. **Does the little whip noise**

Raoul: It's final. I'm a pretty pink! Once again, YM has saved my life!

**_Looks onstage_**

Raoul: Hey, who's that hot guy on stage? I've always had a thing for guys in masks.

Phantom: Okay, I'm thoroughly creeped out. **Looks at Christine **I vote we get outta here before the frog prince up there gets any weird ideas!

Christine: Wait. I have an idea!

**_Yanks off phantom's mask. all the ugly comes out_**

Christine: Ew. Gag me with a spoon.

Phantom: This sucks. Let's get outta here before you get any other bright ideas!

Christine: 'kay.

**Both jump in hole that happens to be in the middle of the stage**

Audience: Gasp! Wait, I'm confused. What the hell does this have to do with the opera?

Orchestra dude: It's… avante garde?

Audience: Works for me!

Phantom's voice from above: Eat crystal, beeyotches!

**Chandelier falls**

Audience: Scream!

Raoul: This is one screwed up opera. **Goes back to reading magazine**

Phantom: Wait, I thought you were slightly smarter!

Raoul: Let me put it this way… don't stand near the gas lamps for more than five minutes!

Phantom: Oh. Well, I stole your chick.

Raoul: Hey! That's not fair! You aren't supposed to do anything that causes me mental strain!

Phantom: I'll send you a muffin basket. Dumbass.


	11. i hate counting

**Aaaaand… cue pandemonium**

All: Shriek! We forgot how to be indifferent!

Firmin: We're ruined Andre. Let's go wait out our humiliation at Chuck E. Cheese.

Andre: Whatever **_pops two aspirin _**

_**Firmin snatches bottle**_

Firmin: That's my bit, you clod.

Raoul: Why don't you two do something? It's your opera house

Firmin: Not really. We're really just corporate bean counters with money. Adios.

Raoul: Damn. Well, I'm lost**_ Goes back to reading YM_**

Phantom: You know, it's only natural that I live underground. Use your noggin

Raoul: I'm not following…

Phantom: I can't hang around and talk to nitwits all day. I have a wedding to plan! **_Goes away_**

Raoul: Oh, crud, I had a really good catering number to give him! Oh well, better go track them down.

**Falls off balcony. Lands on ass**

**Madame Giry scuttles by**

Raoul: Madame! I need your help! Where is the phantom's lair?

Madame Giry: Why should I tell a moron like you? You're bound to screw it up.

Raoul: I've got licorice!

Madame Giry: Come on. Would you like a piggyback ride while I'm at it?

Raoul: No thanks I've got more dignity than that. Ooh look, a shiny piece of metal!

Madame Giry: Christine has her work cut out for her.

Raoul: I see my reflection! Wow, I'm certainly a sight for sore eyes

**_Madame Giry smacks him_**

Madame Giry: Pay attention! Besides, we're here. Adieu, dear fop.

Raoul: Kay. This looks like fun!

**_Slides down stone banister_**

Madame Giry: With _any _luck at all, he'll get strangled. Godspeed, Erik

**While Raoul is bouncing down the stairs**

Raoul: Lalalalalalalalalalala. I'm on a rescue mission **_fall down trap door _**lalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhh!

**_Lands on belly SPLAT!_**

Raoul: God, that was uncalled for.

Metal grille starts descending 

Raoul: Oh, shi-BBBBBBBBLLLLLUGHGHGHGH

**_Drowns for like half a minute then somehow escapes_**

Raoul: That does it. That bastard messed up my HAIR!

**_Looks around dumbly_**

Raoul: Damn, isn't there like a map or something!

Phantom: I'm in here, dipwad. So is your chick.

Raoul: Yep, a map would be nice right about now

Phantom: I don't even know why I felt threatened by _him._ He can barely stand up straight.

**_Raoul fall over_**

Phantom: I give up**_ goes away._**


	12. don't you have anything better to do?

In Phantom's Lair 

Phantom: So, babe, which do you like better, lilies or dandelions?

Christine: Bite me.

Phantom: That could be arranged. Purrr.

Christine: You've been living underground for too long. I've seen better pick up lines in front of a daycare!

Phantom:… are you coming on to me?

Christine: No!

Phantom: Fine then. I'll just give this big ass wedding ring I got for you to charity.

Christine: Oooh. Shiny. Maybe I am coming on to you.

Phantom: I don't understand women one bit, and I'm not going to try to make sense of this one!

Christine: Can I _hold_ the pretty ring? Can I _taste _the pretty ring?

Phantom: Enough yammer. We've got company!

Raoul comes and starts banging on the portcullis 

Raoul****I'm going to kill you with my bare hands, phantom! I nearly drowned in one of your god-forsaken traps!

Phantom: Crap. I forgot about those. Well, everybody keeps telling everyone else to build a better mousetrap, so voila!

Raoul: Let me in. I've got…. Licorice!

Christine: Let him in! I'm sick of eating vermin.

Phantom: 'Kay. So, nobody sees any danger in this situation?

Raoul and Christine: Nope. Why should we? We both seem to have the collective I.Q. of a dust bunny!

Phantom lets fop in 

Raoul: Nice place. So what do you pay for a dump like this?

Phantom: I'm tired of people dissing my pad. Hang 'em high!

Puts noose around fop's neck 

Raoul: something tells me that I was just an accessory in a cruel joke.

Christine: Yep. Your entire life seems to be a cruel joke, eh, Raoul?

Phantom: this is too good to be true. I can either kill the fop or keep Christine! My fortune cookie was right!

Reads fortune cookie 

Phantom: You will either kill a loser or keep a reluctant chick. Isn't this Far East craze awesome?

Raoul: Not really. Sesame noodles give me the vapors.

Phantom: Riiiight. Now, Christine, pick what you want. A life with me and a free fop, or freedom and a dead fop the choice is yours!

Christine: eenie meeine minie moe, catch a tiger by the toe…

Raoul: Something tells me that she doesn't give a rat's ass what happens to me.

Phantom: Yeah, kinda takes the gratification out of it.

Christine: Too hard to choose. I have a better idea. Why don't we just get phantom a gerbil and I'll kill Raoul myself later.

Phantom: no, gerbils creep me out.

Christine: Then I guess I have no choice.

Kisses phantom 

Audience in 2004: aw! That's kinda cute and gross at the same time!

_**Raoul is silently having an aneurysm **_

Phantom: Wow. You're even a better kisser than Meg!

Christine: What?

Phantom: Nothing. Now beat it, both of you.

Raoul: My rescue mission is successful!

Christine: Jackass, I saved _you._

Raoul: Whatever. Let's get outta here before freakazoid over there gets any funny ideas,

Christine: Wait. I gotta do something first.

In Phantom's bedroom 

Phantom: Masquerade,

My heart just got slayed

Masquerade

Guess I'll go watch Jerry Springer.

Audience in 2004: Sob. How sad!

Authoress: Waaah! Boo hoo**_ blows nose on friend's sweater_**

_**Phantom starts laughing**_

Phantom: I'm sorry. The monkey is just so funny!

Christine comes back 

Phantom: Yes, you can take my collection of international cheeses. I hate it anyway.

Christine: That's not why I came back. I wanted to give you your big ass bling back.

Phantom: Oh. All right.

Christine: I'm leaving now. You just take care. I'll send you a quiche. **_Leaves_**

Phantom: this blows.

Mob: Let's get 'em! Fat Tony, gimmie that bag a' cement. We gots some stool pigeons to take care of!

Phantom: Wrong mob. This isn't The Sopranos

Right Mob: Huzzah! Track down this murderer he must be found!

Phantom: Ooookay, this puts me in a bit of a pickle.

Starts breaking mirrors 

Audience in 2004: Alrighty then… he's breaking mirrors when he's about to be lynched. What's his problem?

Passageway appears. Phantom goes through 

Phantom: See you in hell, mob!

_**Mob comes.**_

Mob: Huh. He's not here. Well, we should have seen this coming. Who's up for Chinese?

_**Mob leaves**_

_**Meg and Persian fall out of closet**_

Persian: What'd I miss?**_ Wipes lipstick off his face_**

Not the end


	13. I guess not

In the creepy churchyard

Ancient Raoul falls out of car

Phantom: Yep, nothing's changed…

Flying nurse: Why, oh why, did I turn down that job at the Moulin Rouge? I was the best at the high kick! Now I gotta work for this yo-yo until he kicks the bucket!

Driver: Don't look at me; you don't have to spoon feed him that awful mush!

Phantom: Why don't you help nature along a bit? The game, gentlemen, is cyanide.

Both: I likie!

Phantom: I thought you would.

Ancient Raoul is staring at the monkey box with his eyes out of focus 

Creepy monkey box: Please throw me in a fire… I can't stand the way he smells!

Phantom shakes cyanide bottle 

All three: We get your drift already!

Raoul sees rose on the grave 

Raoul: Gasp! I just blew one of my ancient fuses!

Driver: Tick-tock… We've got a tee time at four!

In 2204, some assmunch throws popcorn at the screen 

Assmunch: I came here to see Star Wars! My Jedi sense is tingling badly!

Authoress smacks assmunch

Authoress: Watch the movie… Raoul might pop a gasket!

Raoul picks up rose 

Raoul: Well, this doesn't take a genius to figure out

Raoul punches nurse 

Phantom: Fool! It was me, phantom, who put that rose on your chick's grave.

Raoul: Teach that bitch a lesson… Stop bothering me, conscience!

Phantom: I give up**_ goes away_**

_**Fin, kind of.**_

Authoress: Oh, just a little reminder. I'm going to do something on the deleted scene too. It's an absolute barrel of monkeys!

Erik: Have you any decency?

Katie: De-cen-cy...?

ERik: Why doI waste my breath?


	14. ZE DELETED SCENE!

ZE DELETED SCENE!

In Phantom's lair 

Phantom: No one would listen…no one but her… and the annoying little chipmunk that gnaws on my toes when I sleep…what's the difference?

Stares at drawings of Christine 

Phantom: Sob. This is almost frightening.

Chipmunk: Dude, it_ is _frightening. Get a hobby.

Phantom thwacks chipmunk with statue 

Sad home audiences in 2004: This is good. Why wasn't this in the movie?

Assmunch: because there are no Jedis in it!

_**Authoress smacks him again**_

Authoress: Shut up and watch the movie or I'll give you something to complain about.

Phantom: I miss her, Chippy. What should I do?

Chipmunk: Wanna get hammered?

Phantom: NO. Last time we did that, you ralphed all over my lair.

Phantom and chipmunk sigh in unison 

Chipmunk: When's that chick gonna bring that quiche? I'm tired of eating your nasty lemon bars.

Phantom: Fine. I slave over a hot stove all day just so I can be griped at. I must be the joke of the universe. **_Throws lemon bars in water._**

**_A steaming quiche appears by the portcullis _**

Phantom: It's Christine!

Chipmunk: It's quiche!

Phantom: Hey there's a note.

Note: To phantom: this restraining order comes fondly. Don't bug me again. ♥ Christine.

Phantom: Now I realize how irksome it is to get notes.

Phantom throws quiche down 

Phantom: I think I want to get hammered now.

Chipmunk: You see, Erik. That's why I'm your friend!

Phantom: You're not my friend. You're vermin.

Chipmunk: Just VERMIN? How dare you. I'm the mastermind of this duo and you know it!

Phantom: Whatever. Just give me that vodka.

Fin. At last. 


End file.
